Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Silent Tears....

It's getting hard listening to music lately, especially the slow ones.  It touches my heart deeply, much too deep.  Slow music usually expressing sadness, loosing someone, broken-hearts, or something religious.  

It's still about the loss of my only brother.  Everything is okay (well, at least on the outside) until the slow music attacks!  My heart and my eyes give no sign of repressing the feeling.  I don't even think they're able though.  That's why it's getting more often for me to cry in the middle of the crowd.  :(

First attact, in the middle of a choir concert, accompanied by a chamber orchestra.  When the performed the Mozart's "Ave Verum Corpus", it touched my heart.  Beautiful song, with a beautiful string sound.  At the same song, I realized there were two friends of my late brother singing in the choir.  I was suddenly cried like a baby in the audience seat.  It continued until the next (also deadly) song, Franc's "Panis Angelicus" which tells about Jesus' death.  There I was.... sobbing silently in the middle of the crowd.  

Second attack, the 17-an event at the church as I told in my previous post "Menyimpan Hati" as I missed his presence in the middle of our childhood friends.  No witness.  I ran into my car, crying and shouting, expressing the broken heart with the "Tuhan Masih Sangup" sounding in the background.

Third attack, me singing in somebody's wedding.  My friend sang "Mother's Prayer" when the bride and groom asked for prayers from their parents.  Hahahaaa, I over-cried of course.  Much more than an empathy. :p 

Fourth attack, in the middle of (another) concert.  The expressive singers of Meta and Fika singing "I still Believe" from the musical Miss Saigon.  They kept saying "I still, I still believe you will return.  I know you will...."  Fuck!  No matter how hard I believe, my brother is not coming back.  Not in this world.  There I was, sobbing in Dhika's back.  

Fifth attack was in the front of the GRII's congregation.  Me and Impromptu Singers sang the "Lead Me, Lord", and I stopped singing at the first sentence.  Luckily, it was the rehearsal.  I was able to keep myself together when singing in the service.  "Lead me, Lord.  Comfort me through all the pain that life may bring...."  Yes, I'm in pain, Lord.  Please, lead me....

Sixth attack, the last one, was at my niece's wedding.  Yeah, you got it right.....it's niece! :p  One of my cousin sang a beautiful song.  Again, I missed his presence in family events.  He should be there at that moment.  Again I was sobbing silently at the back.  

So, better keeping myself away from the slow music, right?  Yeahhh, I knowww it's not the best solution.  But at least until my heart gets better.  :)))

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