Wednesday, December 05, 2012

A Great Pretender

As Nat King Cole said, "Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking," then I've done the same for the last 1.5 years. Yep, that would be the time when I lost my only brother I had in this world. Had been spending life under the same roof for as long as we live. He was 35 years old when it happened.


I've always put everybody ahead. That morning, I didn't let myself screaming or even went near him just to see what happened. Watched him sprawling on his bed not moving in a distance was enough for me to make my move. I was the one who went downstairs, handled the keychain and the car key, as I (tried to) opened the gate to bring him to the hospital. My neighbors jumped in before I finally opened the key successfully -- yes, I was shaking as hell.

I also put aside my worries by letting my parents drove him (RIP) to the hospital, while I stayed for a while to pamper my hysterical sister in-law. Even after we got there, I let my sister in-law and my mother cried over his body. I just stared from afar. I thought she's the wife. She got the right to be hysterical. That's the time when I started to learn repressing my emotions.

I even could keep myself together when I saw the doctor cut his body to let the liquid formalin be able to go into his body. I was the only one staying n the room. I saw his body being cut. Fresh blood flowing out. And he was not moving at all. "Can't you feel it, Win? Doesn't it hurt you? How could you not feeling hurt?! You're bleeding, FGS!!" That was the very first time my sense getting them all. He's dead. He's gone. No more talking with him. No more laughing until tears were everywhere. No more fighting with him. I have him no more. I've lost the only partner I've had in this family. I felt great pain in my heart. But still, there were no tears in those worst 5 minutes in my life. Yeah, I'm THAT good. *sigh*

Two days of ceremony, I even didn't let myself go near him. I (and also my parents) let his wife to do more than us. There were only sobbing and little tears during that day. The next morning at the family session to say our last words to "him", I let my feelings taken out, even only for few seconds. I cried loudly and shouted crazily before I started to hear some people tried to "comfort" me by telling me to stop crying. Ha! -- I would NEVER do that to any of my grieving friends.

For the next 1.5 years, it's proven that the one who cries louder is not always be the one who's hurt the most. Someone might find another person to be a new partner with after losing the old one (surprisingly, it could only need around 6 months), but families are irreplaceable. As Yann Martel says in his Life of Pi : "to lose a brother is to lose someone with whom you can share the experience of growing old". It never gets better. The loss is getting deeper and deeper. You will realize more and more you loose them day by day.

Never had a good cry since. Have never let myself cry in front of my parents as it would suffer them more. Facts and heavy burdens I carried on my shoulders have never let me whining. Some people who see me more on social media on internet rather than meeting me face to face might say I'm grieving too much. But hey, my written words have always been the only thing I had. Never let those negative emotions taken control my daily life. I'm just as happy as I used to. Well, I do happy. It's just that little dark spot that I find it hard to cope with. At least I know that I'm not okay. I just need the right condition to release them.

One day I took a 2 days workshop of bacakilat (c) that trained us to read with our subconscious mind. The 2nd day was the recall time. We got hypnotized to meet the person who's in charge of our unconscious memories. The trainer said it usually is a person who is emotionally attached to you, or even your other self. Well, I was so sure that was one of his technique to stimulate certain part of our brain. I was actually doubt that it would work on me, since I was very conscious about what he was willing to do.

We started. I thought it would be my brother. But it wasn't. It was my other self, Spidol Ungu. I didn't surprise, since she's always been better than myself in expressing emotions. While that part was not so surprising, the fact that I felt a great pain in my heart since the 1st time I "saw" her standing in front of me was quite unexpected. My heart was aching beyond measure that I almost shout and cry in front of 50 people (I was sobbing -- and believe me, I tried sooo hard to keep it on that level -- on microphone). Then I'm very sure that the subconscious mind and the repressed emotions was located at the same place in our brain -- there was another girl who felt the same as I did. Then I'm also so sure that I'm not okay. The fact that I need help. Immediatelly. Before it's blocking more of my brain.

So, yes, I'm not okay. I need a good cry and releasing this deep grief I have inside. Somehow. Somewhere. Sometime. Still have no idea. Can anybody help?

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